7 spanish angels

It just keeps getting better. Remember about a year ago when i was so upset that i couldnt catch a break? Im still waiting. I have a beautiful tree in my living room, and i went a whole afternoon shopping by myself. Ive been out woth friends having a great time, but none of that is fixing christmas. I feel like im still in october. Maybe my mind froze itself there to prepare for a significant surge of emotions november through january. Today ive felt as if im tangled in a mess of rope waving my arms trying to get out. At the same time im being sprayed by a cold hose and everyone is laughing. That is what i feel right now. Such a shame. A cryin shame. Last year i can remember thinking, 'just get through this one...surelyby next year i will have someone to spend time with.' Now what do i tell myself? By easter? By summer? I dont know whats supposed to happen or where to start or if i should even be trying? Whatever i have been doing has got me this far, but thats not far enough for me. I dont even know, and neither does anyone else. I wamt to scream at the world and at God that i had everything figured out and now thats fucked. So im having to start over and rebuild. Here we go.

Halleluia, holy shit. Wheres the tylenol?

poof

Still a big hole. I'm not sure why I felt the need to follow up with that, but I am. Today has been especially sad and angry, and I'm not sure why. I don't want to listen to people complain about their problems today. It's a day where I find it difficult to bite my tongue and be fully engaged in real life. I haven't been able to focus at all, and I find myself drifting so far that I'm completely missing chunks of peoples' conversations. That's not good. I'd give everything I have for this to go away. I think I've already figured out that I can be strong and independent. I don't need the world to continue testing me on that. Gimme a break...

burnin it down

10 days til Christmas, and I don't feel like my season has started. I haven't had time to feel Christmas, and that really sucks. I feel like I'm tip-toeing around everyone else's broken glass. Like I've been holding my breath since November. I don't even know where to put all of these feelings! All I know is that it feels like shit, and that's about all I can tell you. I need a distraction. I need holidays and birthdays to be over with so any energy I have can be put in to finding that distraction. Make the hole not feel so huge.

Hand turkeys

Since I have an opinion about almost everything, you can imagine my feelings toward the violence crap in MO. But I'm also angry about others who feel the need to publicly state their opinion. Here's why:

"I'm not racist by any means, but..."
"I accept people of all colors, and..."
"If this was black on white, it would be different because..."

Best way to rid of racism? Stop talking about it.
The country is creating a monster and being afraid of it at the same time. Why do we need to clarify that "I'm not racist, but..." Are you afraid people think you are racist? Guilty conscience? I don't know. Why state that? Why give people the ammo to use that against you, because you know that some ass is going to spark a debate on facebook for the hell of it, manipulate your comments, and then throw "But I thought you said you weren't racist?!"All races, religions, and nationalities are guilty of creating this. All social groups contribute as well. "I'm not judging, but [Catholics/Jews/Muslims/Buddhists] would be better people if they just became like us!" Yes, religion. Here we go. We are here to execute the plan God has created for us. Minimally, I feel that the plans can be all broken down to "love one another." If I am loving my neighbor, I am not worried about being judged as a racist. If I'm loving my coworker, I'm not being judged because he is a recovering addict. If I'm loving the unlovable, I'm not judged as an attention seeker. (Similarly, if I'm not breaking the law, I am not going to jail...). We love the best of the best and the worst of the worst. Well, we should. Sure, it changes things when the best of the best are making six figure salaries, but it shouldn't.

Wanna talk about the sportsman's complex being erected against the wishes of the community? Best of the best utilizing their power to out voice (not out vote) the worst of the worst and everyone in between. $5 million. THIS is what that could have looked like for Effingham...yes Effingham:

340,000 meals for a family of four
10,000 months worth of rent
167,000 weeks worth of fuel costs
143,000 monthly unlimited bus passes
5,618,000 boxes of mac n cheese
200,000 cans of baby formula
250,000 1-hr drug and alcohol counseling sessions
167,000 nights in a safe motel for battered women and kids
100,000 Thanksgiving dinners
50,000 kids who get to have a Christmas
AND funding to offset the cost for pro bono services at HHS.

There it is, guys. The best way I can describe my problem with the world.

If only

The flashbacks went away for a little while. I was probably distracted by a lot of things. Slowly, they're creeping back in. The biggest one has been of Steven standing across the room from me in the same outfit he was buried in, and his wedding ring is so visible. I see him, but my eyes are on that ring. I still have thoughts that he might just come out of hiding to see me for just a few minutes to hug me and tell me he loves me and is OK. I'm waiting for his truck to pull in and him run inside the house. I imagine him looking aged and worn and exhausted from running and keeping it all a secret. I imagine that me getting to see him is a secret. It wouldn't matter that anyone else knew he was still here. Just me. I've had too many dreams that he returns in this very scenario, and he can only stay long enough to hug me, give me a kiss, and tell me that he's OK, and no one else can know he was here because he'd never be able to come back if other people knew he was alive. This year's holidays are going to be far worse than the last.

White lightning hit the family tree

 Today isn't great. I fear I will be a mess at the concert tonight. Steven was so good at singing Chris Young. It always sounded good. If the bar had a jukebox, that was his first stop after getting drinks. He wanted to hear Neon. My insides are dizzy just thinking about it. So many memories attached to lots of his songs. Doesn't help that I know exactly what he would be wearing to this concert if he was here, and he'd give me his hat because it looked beautiful on me. It's a weird day where I want to be sad. I want to skip this afternoon and spend it at home. I'm tired of being distracted from my feelings between the bake sale, work seminars, kick boxing, halloween parade...this is not how I should be managing myself. I want a sloppy, crying, dramatic, ridiculous drunk. Not to cover the sad feelings, but to give me an opportunity to just show them. Get them out of my head. Get them out of my gut. Get them out of my eyes. I want an opportunity for my disaster to appear socially acceptable, and 'round these parts that means whiskey.

what.

No way...