I'm FREEEE!!!!

Today, I woke up a little bit before my alarm. I thought about the medication that I'm on and its tendency to reduce nicotine cravings (it increases the uptake of norepinephrine in the brain making the rewards of previously dull stimuli exacerbated). I went with it. I really want my house paid off, and I'm getting another tattoo. And really, I've been through much worse feelings than a nicotine craving/withdrawal. Piece of cake, right? I've had three drags today, and I'm on my 4th bag of chips. I valued my decision to not smoke over the moral obligation to abstain between meals. Sorry, Mom. To be continued.

Spring Forward!

More change, and of course I don't like it. Its not scary this time, but its eery. Late summer nights remind me of bare feet in the gun shop, late nights working on the house, the lake, first date, sitting on the porch at home eating tacos, homewood grill (chocolate peanut butter milkshake), the fair, grilling out odd and new combinations of ingredients, fireworks, Stan's shrimp boil, Jesus shoes, and Oakleys. Winter was cold, dreary, and depressing. Its like I justified my depression with the shitty weather. Without that weather, I feel almost like I have no excuse for being depressed. Justifying any of my feelings shouldn't be a concern, but it is. I think I feel more pressured because of false expectations. The paranoia (again, associated with depression) that the WHOLE WORLD is expecting me to feel better since the weather is getting better. I will no longer have the winter to emotionally hide behind. My thinking is so flawed, but I can't change the fact that its real. The added pressure to feel better combined with these sick reminders of the amazing life I had this time last year is a lot to handle, and I can't do much about it. The weather will change, and I have no control over that. To put an image to my feelings, imagine a room full of all of the thoughts you ever thought, all of the people you've ever met, and all of the fears you've ever had. Now imagine someone dragging you kicking and screaming to this room. You have no control. You can't run away. You can't move. And you did nothing to deserve this. Then, you get thrown in to the room completely naked and you have to sort through and conquer all of it. That's kind of what change feels like. Add windows to the room so you can see everybody watching you anticipating your next move so they can either rush to your aid or analyze your reasoning and intentions. Its kind of a lot to handle.

Anchor

I'm sleeping! I've never been so happy about sleep in my life. No waking up at 2:30am (dead hour, by the way) and stewing about 'what if' or 'why'. Its a little ironic, because my house reeks of polyurethane. Maybe I was high?? I also think it has something to do with saging my house. Since the construction has started in my basement, there's been an uneasy, confused, anxious vibe about my house (look it up...changes of such stir spirit activity). That certainly wasn't helping my sleep at all. I think the saging took care of that, though. I think the creepiest thing that happened was when my dog sat in front of me and stared as if she was focusing on something behind me. She had been following something around my living room in a circle for about 10 minutes. I was so stunned and in awe that I didn't think to take a video of it. I tried to play it cool and be brave, but I was shaking and nervous but exciting at the same time. My dog sees dead people.

I'm way past due for another tattoo. Just a heads up, Mom.

The clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days and days.

It irritates the CRAP out of me when people say "I'M MARRYING MY BEST FRIEND!!" or other forms of such.

Really? That's all he is to you?

Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was with Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20. We were chillin' like it was no big deal. I asked him to play this song, and he said, "I think that's a great idea. I think it will help you."

P.S. The meds are working, but I'm not sleeping for shit. I gotta figure this out.

Its been 6 months. It was never supposed to be that long. It feels both slow and fast. Slow: i thought i would feel a lot better by now. I guess the bigger the love, the harder it is to heal. Iv been in this hell more than long enough. Fast: i feel like iv been standing still. Still partly in shock watchin the world happen. Then suddenly im smacked in the face with 6 months of time i feelike iv missed. A lot of people tell me they dont understand how im doing this or they cant believe how good im handling it. Wanna know a secret? I cant believe it either honestly. But iv been doing it for 6 months standing on my own feet. No wonder im exhausted.

5 o'clock

If I'm going to feel like I'm drowning (which is a pretty accurate depiction of my feelings this week) I'd really rather margaritas be involved. My mother in law agrees, and my father in law is in Cancun. Its fate, right? I'm practically obligated to enjoy myself this evening!

I write this as if people are reading it. I know that isn't true but a mere handful of my family. Funny, but in the beginning I had thousands of views within 12 hrs of posting this. Now I'm down to maybe 5 a day? Its not about the attention. This does prove, though, that the world expects 'quick quick quick, get over it because its uncomfortable'. I feel like I've reached a point where I'm still uncomfortable, and that is making others uncomfortable because they aren't uncomfortable anymore. I'm not talking about my immediate family, but others at work, in the community, in the store, etc. Its an interesting transition to go from the center of everyone's attention and the latest gossip to people trying to avoid me and sweep me under a rug because I'm uncomfortable to be around. As if I wasn't lonely enough losing my husband, it feels that the rest of the non-grieving world is against me. Bummer, dude.