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This week has been by far one of the most difficult. I'm still very bitter when I see happy people. I'm still angry when I hear people complain about things that have no real life significance. I'm still broken hearted every time I wake up alone in my bed. I'm still so frustrated that I have no one to share my life with. In this most thankful of weeks, I'm supposed to be focusing on gratitude (see previous post). The thought I find most fulfilling is that I have someone on constant watch over my life. He's always around, and I can feel him. On more than one occasion, I've felt a touch on my shoulder, seen a shadow in my house, and more often than not footsteps either in the house or outside in the yard. He's there but certainly not in the way I want him to be. I'm angry a lot. I want to feel like home again. I feel single by no choice of my own. I'm angry that on Thursday we aren't going to leave early to hit up Kenters for a couple drinks before going to grandma's. I'm angry that we can't make up an excuse to leave early so we can go home and cuddle/nap between family dinners. I'm angry that there isn't a we. I'm angry that I'm going to have to choose between Xanax and alcohol on Thursday. I'm angry that these things are even an issue. I shouldn't have to be worrying about these things. I'm angry that I have to wait until I die before I can see Steven again. I'm angry that I have to do my Christmas shopping without him. I'm angry that I couldn't buy him a smoker for Christmas (yes, I knew about 6 months ago what I was going to buy him). None of this feels right. No amount of alcohol or prescription drugs can distract my mind. I want what I worked so hard for. I want what made me happy no matter the circumstances. I want to feel like home again.