Flashbacks and Bingo

It's no surprise that this month has left much to be desired. A common idea/comment about grief is "I had no idea that when your loved one dies, you will replay the last 24 hours over and over in your head." Try a whole month.

This week, my office has been the exact same temperature as the funeral home was. Don't ask me how I know this, because I can't explain it. I don't know what the temperature is in here, but it feels like death. Sparks a bunch of flashbacks: sitting at the funeral director's desk making decisions through blurry eyes. Standing in the lobby at God knows what time of the night waiting to be escorted in for the viewing. Sitting in the front row at the funeral in a complete daze thinking "somethin's not right. I don't get it." Looking at all of the flowers, statues, cards, etc. sent by family and people I barely knew, and I thought, "what for? These don't make me happy, and I don't care if the whole county is thinking about me and keeping me in their oh-so-blessed thoughts and prayers while gossiping, spreading rumors, and examining my life under a microscope with the same breath."

Another odd phenomenon: When I look out the window of my house, I can't see the road because of the corn. I find myself more intently watching my lane with the smallest ounce of hope that his truck will suddenly turn in and burn down the lane, and Cheyenne will jump on the back of the couch and get really excited when she hears it. Then she'll wait with her nose pressed at the garage door waiting for him to turn the nob so she can jump up and love on him. It's part flashback, and part wishful thinking.

I am really freakin' lonely. I'm good at being a wife. I'm afraid that if I ever decide to date again, I won't know how to treat him like a boyfriend instead of a husband. I'm afraid that I am starting all over again. I'm afraid of my baggage. I'm afraid of screwing up. I'm afraid of being hurt. All of these things had been successfully eliminated when I married Steven. Now, it's all up in the air.

Tattoo: coming August 9th. Its the only thing that I could find to settle my heart, be alone but not isolate, and signify my strength, stability, and independence throughout this shit storm of a year. IDGAF.

#2

Two in one day? I must be emotional.

The best way to describe tonight's experience is this: I have a hole in my heart and soul. This hole will always be there, I will always be able to feel it, but as more time passes, the hole becomes more natural. Like I was born with it. Like a piercing, the hole will stay there but the wound heals over. Tonight's fireworks went straight through the hole and all the way through me. It took my breath away, and I didn't know if it was a good thing or bad thing. The part that confuses me most is that I can't decide if I never ever want to go back again or if I will never miss a single year until I die. Part of me looks at the closure portion of this specific event, and part of me never wants to let go of the tradition. I'm not so sure I can ever watch fireworks and be happy at the same time for the rest of my life. At least, that's how I feel right now.

Every night she walks to beaches of Cheyenne.

I realized this week that I think I named my dog after Garth Brooks song Beaches of Cheyenne. It wasn't on purpose, so I think this is in the category of foreshadowing shit that happened in the last 5 years. Here:

First date was the lake fireworks. I can still feel that nervousness in my stomach when I think about picking out my outfit and waiting for him to pick me up. From there I feel every feeling I ever had in the last 6 years all at one time in just a few seconds. That's the only way I know how to explain it.  I've done a lot of thinking about the fireworks tonight. It's pretty clear why I'm anxious and upset about it, but I kept feeling like it was more than that. This feels different than Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthdays. Not worse or better, but completely different. There's a different nervousness and anticipation. Today, I pegged it.

Our first date was the lake fireworks. Tonight...this is our last date.

The feeling relates to the sense of closing a book or turning a new chapter, except I'm doing it kicking and screaming. It feels like 'the end' all over again. This explains why the predominant flashback has been me standing in front of his casket to see him one last time before the lid was closed.

In many ways, I'd rather live in today for the rest of my life. I don't want to have another 'last'. I'm digging my heels in to today, and I know I'm about to be yanked forward against my will. I don't have any idea how I want to handle the first anniversary. Most of me wants to disappear to a random hotel in a random nearby city, turn off my phone, and just isolate the entire day eating what ever I want and alternate between watching 8 Seconds, Coalminer's Daughter, and Pure Country. And I want to cry the whole way through all day. And I'll take a nap, too.

Now I lay me down to sleep...again.

At the beginning of today I had no desire to talk to anyone. I started my day saying, "just be a robot. You can make it if you just be a robot." Kinda like a year ago. I remember everything that happened, but I don't remember it through my eyes. The only 'me' part I remember was leaving work, going to IGA to get poweraid and chew, and driving to the shop listening to everything play out over the radio.  I hadn't thoroughly panicked until that point (I was on the S curves when that happened). He didn't talk except to say thanks for the poweraid. A lot of things about this last year are so engrained in my brain that I'm certain I'll never forget. I call them flashbacks. One of the big ones is of Steven pacing on the sidewalk in front of his parents' house. That image still eats at me, but I was only nervous for him. I knew it would be handled, because that's what he did.

I remember going to walmart right after work to buy an umbrella, one item that failed to move with us from our parents' houses. It was really raining and misty. I hadn't heard from him, nothing new. I didn't go back to the shop til later that evening. Crystal made spaghetti for supper. Steven was held up in questioning, so we didn't wait to eat. Three hours later (it was pouring at this point) he still hadn't returned. I was sent to find him/them for their supper. This next part is another common flashback...I poked my head in the door of the shop, and it fell completely silent. I froze. Three eyes on me...two seemed to say 'what the hell is she doing here'. The other, 'I can't let her see any of this'. He said, "uh..go back in the house." I didn't like that. I don't like being told what to do, and that was the first time in over 5 years he had ever made me feel uncomfortable. The rest of the night was, "just a bunch of questions. They have to feel important and have something to show for bein here." That was it. Three hours and all it was was a bunch of dumb questions? Uh...ok.

My life was coming completely unglued behind my back, but he made sure I was clueless. He was home damn near every evening, I cooked for my husband like a normal wife. We did things together as a couple in public (Buffett bash, Thursday thunder), and sometimes he was home even before I got home! We grilled out a lot, and he was so damn happy about it. All the rest of July was wonderful. Sort of a stereotypical 'wild and free' young summer. If I asked about the shop, he'd say everything was just fine. It was being taken care of.

And that was only the beginning. I still feel the panic. I can still smell the burning and smoldering. I remember what the rain felt like when I was wondering what they were talking about in the shop. I remember what I was wearing (and haven't worn it since).  I remember washing so much laundry that smelled like horrible smoke. The whole next two months will be a flashback. Its quiet. It's lonely. It's not what was supposed to happen. I feel like I've spent a whole year saying "what the hell is happening?!"

I said my life was coming unglued behind my back. Progressing to today, I feel like everything came unglued, I turned around, they removed my blind fold, and said 'alright...figure it out. And it will get worse. Good luck! Lol." So...I have to figure out what to do with all of this dumped in my lap, wait for it to explode again, and then try to figure out how to lug around this shit storm with me while trying to regain a sense or normal and happy, I'll tell you, I'm a year in to it and all I've figured out is that I have PTSD, lexapro makes me sick, and I don't know how to turn any of this in to even a glimmer of what I want my life to be.

I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end.

#lonelyasfuck #emptiness #widowproblems #holeinmyheart

Booze In The Blender

At the end of most days, I pound my sadness, anger, loneliness, and depression in to the pavement. Flashbacks ain't got shit.

But today, I'm letting a margarita take care of that instead.

Flash

Speechless. Somehow, country music keeps putting out songs about my life. When I say "about my life" I don't mean that I can vaguely relate to the feelings of sadness. I'm saying that verses and words are specifically what my life has been in the last 10 months (ya...10 months today). "Hang my hat like I'm here for awhile, kick off my boots and drive you wild like a cowboy."

Don't even get me started on "Sweet Annie" by ZBB:

I been burning Bright

For so long I can’t remember

Pretty girls and late night bars seem to be my line of work

Believe me when I say, I can’t stay this high forever

This man’s had all he can stand, time to lay this body down

Sweet Annie

Can I stay with you a while

Cause this roads been putting miles on my heart,

Sweetheart I’ve been livin in a fantasy

But one day Lightning will strike

And my bark will lose it’s bite

Don’t’ give up on me

Sweet Annie.

Sweet Annie

I know I promised you a life

But an empty bed and the words I said don’t carry any weight

If I could take back yesterday, Find a way to start it over

Turn around, put that bottle down and pray it’s not too late

Sweet Annie

Can I stay with you a while

Cause this roads been putting miles on my heart,

Sweetheart I’ve been livin in a fantasy

But one day Lightning will strike

And my bark will lose it’s bite

Don’t’ give up on me

What will be will be

Sweet Annie.

Turn out the lights

These hands they long to hold you

Fall all over you

All over again

Come a little closer so I can show you

My heart still beats fast for you

All over, and over again

Sweet Annie

Can I stay with you a while

Cause this roads been putting miles on my heart,

Sweetheart I’ve been livin in a fantasy

But one day Lightning will strike

And my bark will lose it’s bite

Don’t’ give up on me

Sweet Annie.