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This week has been by far one of the most difficult. I'm still very bitter when I see happy people. I'm still angry when I hear people complain about things that have no real life significance. I'm still broken hearted every time I wake up alone in my bed. I'm still so frustrated that I have no one to share my life with. In this most thankful of weeks, I'm supposed to be focusing on gratitude (see previous post). The thought I find most fulfilling is that I have someone on constant watch over my life. He's always around, and I can feel him. On more than one occasion, I've felt a touch on my shoulder, seen a shadow in my house, and more often than not footsteps either in the house or outside in the yard. He's there but certainly not in the way I want him to be. I'm angry a lot. I want to feel like home again. I feel single by no choice of my own. I'm angry that on Thursday we aren't going to leave early to hit up Kenters for a couple drinks before going to grandma's. I'm angry that we can't make up an excuse to leave early so we can go home and cuddle/nap between family dinners. I'm angry that there isn't a we. I'm angry that I'm going to have to choose between Xanax and alcohol on Thursday. I'm angry that these things are even an issue. I shouldn't have to be worrying about these things. I'm angry that I have to wait until I die before I can see Steven again. I'm angry that I have to do my Christmas shopping without him. I'm angry that I couldn't buy him a smoker for Christmas (yes, I knew about 6 months ago what I was going to buy him). None of this feels right. No amount of alcohol or prescription drugs can distract my mind. I want what I worked so hard for. I want what made me happy no matter the circumstances. I want to feel like home again.

Fuck this.

The feeling of absolute, utter loneliness has been overwhelming since about Thursday. That's where I'm at.

I don't wanna go sober

I'm having an angry day. On the way to work, I heard "Sweet Annie" by ZBB, "Your side of the bed" by LBT, and I was followed all the way to work by a big silver ford F350. While at work, I've heard sirens all day (a big trigger for my anxiety). My plan? Get through the work day, go home, and pour a little drink while I watch last nights episode of SOA (side note: Tara is on my shit list. Who could possibly dream of doing Jax wrong. I sure wouldn't.). If I have time, I may pop in Country Strong. Beau is dreamy as hell.

Chances are

This time of year for the last several years starts a trend on facebook where people post one thing they are thankful for each day. Here's an example: "Day #1- I'm sooo thankful for my family! I wouldn't be where I am without their love! Day #2- I'm soooo thankful for my husband! He's my best friend. Day #3: I'm sooo thankful for my kids! They keep me going every day. etc..." Why now? I understand the tie in with thanksgiving and all, but I find it really sad that people need a 'game' or excuse to announce to the world who/what they are most thankful for. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a big fan of facebook posting (aside from humorous anecdotes). This trend is such a reminder of that. Its so generic!

You know what I'm thankful for today? The fact that I couldn't sleep last night. I walked in to my living room at 1:30am wide awake and it was snowing.There were no cars, no phones ringing, and no dog barking (God love her). It was beautiful. It was quiet. I wouldn't have seen that had my life experiences not lead me to that moment, chances are. Chances are.

Chillin' with the possum

I cried. George Strait and Alan Jackson did a tribute to George Jones last night on the CMA's. Who else can say they have a husband who's kickin' it with the legendary late George Jones?!

For some other fool to find.

"Hide Me Babe"

After all these years runnin' round
Flyin high and fallin down
Well the time has come at last
To rest my heart and erase my past
I'm gonna leave these blues behind
For some other fool to find
He won't care and I don't mind
Hide me babe, Hide me babe

Darlin don't you cry tonight
The moon is full and the world is right
I've loved more than my share
Took the pain and called it fair
So I'm gonna lay down all my fears
My highway blues and my ramblin tears
They can shout it down the line
I can't take what was not mine

I'll raise my glass and I'll make a toast
Better than some harder than most
Left our mark on every town
Chased our dreams and we stood our ground
But I can't do those things no more
Hide the way I've done before
The same wings that brought me through
Blow that fate and flame out too

After all these years runnin' round
Flyin high and fallin down
Well the time has come at last
To rest my heart and ease my past
I'm gonna leave these blues behind
For some other fool to find
He won't care and I don't mind
Hide me babe, Hide me babe