It makes my blood boil when I hear or see someone say "yes, we've had our ups and downs" when referring to their relationship. Do they think it makes them sound special? Or strong for overcoming the 'ups and downs'? Seriously? What the hell do you think a relationship/marriage is? I may not have decades of experience, but I have enough to know that that is what a relationship consists of. Marriage is the only scenario when hating someone is fun, expected, and accepted by society. Having no ups and downs is abnormal. Stating the 'ups and downs' phrase is just about as logical as stating "we both have two feet in our relationship." I'm also irritated because I think people make these kinds of irritating, nonsensical statements just to hear themselves talk. Since they weren't getting enough attention, they decided to post it all over facebook so people would say "awwww you're so cute!" "awww you guys make such a good couple" "I hope I have a relationship like yours someday!" "He's so good to you!" For me, being married was so awesome because it was the best feeling in the world, and I didn't have to share it or worry about anyone else messing it up (well...until the end). I didn't have to share it! If you need that kind of validation, you might want to reevaluate where you really are in life.
Another pet peeve: "Due to the fact of we didn't have any milk." "Due to the fact of she didn't know how to tie her shoe." That doesn't make sense, and you aren't using it right. I'm not a grammar nazi. I end sentences with prepositions, I never know the proper conjugation of "lay", sometimes I write in fragments, and I speak in redneck slang in scenarios where I should be using proper grammar. But if you sound like a moron and still think you are on the same level as me, I get a little irritated.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Young and Scared and Happy
Today just isn't going to be my happy motivated day. I'm starting to have shitty sleep again, and I really thought I had that problem licked. I hate taking steps backward. Its weird, though, because when I wake up I'm looking around the room like I'm looking at/for something. I'm always looking next to my bed and at the foot of my bed. Every single time. I don't have the feeling that I'm looking for Steven or forgetting for a split second that he's gone. I'm past that. It almost seems like I'm waking up for a reason. 90% of the time, its between 2am and 3am. I don't think this is so much my inability to sleep, because I have meds for that. Just another thing that doesn't make sense to me. What else is new? Why do I have to be so determined? I could have easily called in to work and be home in bed right now. I could easily be crying under my covers and isolating myself if I weren't so damn persistent. A good thing, really. But doing that means I'm giving in to the powerful grips of grief, and I won't do it. I'm scared, and I'm unsure, but it just seems like 'the next right thing'.
I've also been more afraid lately. Not in the sense that there's a monster under my bed or because I hear a creek in the night. Its an overall 'holy shit I'm doing this by myself'. Like walking a tight rope and I looked down. Part of that is from quitting smoking. I feel like I have no crutch. I haven't replaced that comfort with anything else since I quit. That's a good thing, but its a piece that's gone. I don't regret quitting, and I feel exponentially better. But I don't have that brief 4 minute period throughout the day that previously provided somewhat of relief from the stress. Ugh.
I dreamed of Steven last night. They aren't really dreams anymore. More like communications. It hasn't happened in awhile, because I think both of us were so confused and conflicted that communication wasn't flowing well. Now its better. I dreamed he was laying in bed and he had the anchor tattoo that I've pictured in my head for a few months now. He got it right over his heart, and he kept telling me to keep my hand on it. Guess his extremely dramatic fear of needles didn't cross over with him?? Cool.
And, I forgot my jug of water at home.
I've also been more afraid lately. Not in the sense that there's a monster under my bed or because I hear a creek in the night. Its an overall 'holy shit I'm doing this by myself'. Like walking a tight rope and I looked down. Part of that is from quitting smoking. I feel like I have no crutch. I haven't replaced that comfort with anything else since I quit. That's a good thing, but its a piece that's gone. I don't regret quitting, and I feel exponentially better. But I don't have that brief 4 minute period throughout the day that previously provided somewhat of relief from the stress. Ugh.
I dreamed of Steven last night. They aren't really dreams anymore. More like communications. It hasn't happened in awhile, because I think both of us were so confused and conflicted that communication wasn't flowing well. Now its better. I dreamed he was laying in bed and he had the anchor tattoo that I've pictured in my head for a few months now. He got it right over his heart, and he kept telling me to keep my hand on it. Guess his extremely dramatic fear of needles didn't cross over with him?? Cool.
And, I forgot my jug of water at home.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Who's wearing the mask?
Really, I don't care about a plane that has mysteriously disappeared from existence two weeks ago. Do you really buy that? Technology exists that can read your license plate from a satellite. And they can't find a Boeing 777. My question is this. What's going on behind it? Why is our focus diverted to this missing plane and wailing loved ones of missing passengers? Its playing on our emotions, our ego, and our natural curiosity. Its happening because they know it works.
1. Emotions: We want to help! There are people on that plane who have children, wives, and mothers to come home to. We feel terrible for these people on the other side of the world because they don't know what happened to their loved ones. Hmmm. That sounds kind of familiar. I'm not saying I don't feel bad for the innocent people on board. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. Ego: Each country is saying "I want to be the one to find the plane so my country is the one who comes out on top as the knight in shining armor." "Finding the plane will boost my numbers among the other nations." Would come in handy for Obama and Russia right now, right? Who is going to be the big dog?
3. Curiosity: When we are told something is important by someone of authority, we believe it to be so. Our brain rationalizes 'they know way more than I do about this stuff. Something really must be wrong if several countries are freaking out about it!' That's how Obama got elected...please tell me you're aware of that.
Make sense? I'm not saying the plane didn't really disappear or that a large number of passengers are unaccounted for. I'm not saying that at all. My point is that this is happening for a reason beyond an extremist pilot executing a suicide mission. Sure, its happened. But when tension with the government began to get pretty thick, suddenly this fiasco randomly occurs that draws our attention elsewhere. Hmm. Its hard to figure out who's wearing the mask when we haven't even seen their true identity to begin with.
1. Emotions: We want to help! There are people on that plane who have children, wives, and mothers to come home to. We feel terrible for these people on the other side of the world because they don't know what happened to their loved ones. Hmmm. That sounds kind of familiar. I'm not saying I don't feel bad for the innocent people on board. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. Ego: Each country is saying "I want to be the one to find the plane so my country is the one who comes out on top as the knight in shining armor." "Finding the plane will boost my numbers among the other nations." Would come in handy for Obama and Russia right now, right? Who is going to be the big dog?
3. Curiosity: When we are told something is important by someone of authority, we believe it to be so. Our brain rationalizes 'they know way more than I do about this stuff. Something really must be wrong if several countries are freaking out about it!' That's how Obama got elected...please tell me you're aware of that.
Make sense? I'm not saying the plane didn't really disappear or that a large number of passengers are unaccounted for. I'm not saying that at all. My point is that this is happening for a reason beyond an extremist pilot executing a suicide mission. Sure, its happened. But when tension with the government began to get pretty thick, suddenly this fiasco randomly occurs that draws our attention elsewhere. Hmm. Its hard to figure out who's wearing the mask when we haven't even seen their true identity to begin with.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Lyrical Surprise
Eric Church, "A Man Who Was Gonna Die Young"
I like fast cars, and shop grease
chased a lot of crazy things
left behind my share of broken pieces
this morning I turned 36, and you just remember half of it
you wonder how you out-lived Hank and Jesus
I put the rage in a river, the roll in a thunder
but you kept me from goin' under,
when that current got too heavy
I always thought I'd be a heap of metal
in a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal
Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
Fear, I've had none
what the hell made you want to love
a man, who was gonna die young
In the mirror, I saw my surprise
when those gray hairs like to hide, on my head
didn't think he'd live past thirty
If I make it thirty more, it's the brown that you'll be looking for
as you run your fingers through, say "slow down, honey"
I put the rage in a river, the roll in a thunder
but you kept me from goin' under,
when that current got too heavy
I always thought I'd be a heap of metal
in a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal
Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
Fear, I've had none
what the hell made you want to love
a man, who was gonna die young
Call it intuition, or call it crazy
just thought by now I'd be pushing up daisies
but I'd gladly stick around if we're together
So baby when you bow your head tonight
could you tell the Lord I've changed my mind?
And with you I'd like to live, well...
I like fast cars, and shop grease
chased a lot of crazy things
left behind my share of broken pieces
this morning I turned 36, and you just remember half of it
you wonder how you out-lived Hank and Jesus
I put the rage in a river, the roll in a thunder
but you kept me from goin' under,
when that current got too heavy
I always thought I'd be a heap of metal
in a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal
Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
Fear, I've had none
what the hell made you want to love
a man, who was gonna die young
In the mirror, I saw my surprise
when those gray hairs like to hide, on my head
didn't think he'd live past thirty
If I make it thirty more, it's the brown that you'll be looking for
as you run your fingers through, say "slow down, honey"
I put the rage in a river, the roll in a thunder
but you kept me from goin' under,
when that current got too heavy
I always thought I'd be a heap of metal
in a cloud of smoke, foot stuck to the pedal
Sold for parts like a junkyard rusted-out Chevy
Fear, I've had none
what the hell made you want to love
a man, who was gonna die young
Call it intuition, or call it crazy
just thought by now I'd be pushing up daisies
but I'd gladly stick around if we're together
So baby when you bow your head tonight
could you tell the Lord I've changed my mind?
And with you I'd like to live, well...
This song made my jaw drop. I stared at my computer for a good ten minutes reading this over and over thinking, "No way...there's no way." Then again, this is also the same artist that sings "Lightning", "Like Jesus Does", and "Love Your Love The Most". Guess that was my sign for today. Holy shit.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I'm FREEEE!!!!
Today, I woke up a little bit before my alarm. I thought about the medication that I'm on and its tendency to reduce nicotine cravings (it increases the uptake of norepinephrine in the brain making the rewards of previously dull stimuli exacerbated). I went with it. I really want my house paid off, and I'm getting another tattoo. And really, I've been through much worse feelings than a nicotine craving/withdrawal. Piece of cake, right? I've had three drags today, and I'm on my 4th bag of chips. I valued my decision to not smoke over the moral obligation to abstain between meals. Sorry, Mom. To be continued.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Spring Forward!
More change, and of course I don't like it. Its not scary this time, but its eery. Late summer nights remind me of bare feet in the gun shop, late nights working on the house, the lake, first date, sitting on the porch at home eating tacos, homewood grill (chocolate peanut butter milkshake), the fair, grilling out odd and new combinations of ingredients, fireworks, Stan's shrimp boil, Jesus shoes, and Oakleys. Winter was cold, dreary, and depressing. Its like I justified my depression with the shitty weather. Without that weather, I feel almost like I have no excuse for being depressed. Justifying any of my feelings shouldn't be a concern, but it is. I think I feel more pressured because of false expectations. The paranoia (again, associated with depression) that the WHOLE WORLD is expecting me to feel better since the weather is getting better. I will no longer have the winter to emotionally hide behind. My thinking is so flawed, but I can't change the fact that its real. The added pressure to feel better combined with these sick reminders of the amazing life I had this time last year is a lot to handle, and I can't do much about it. The weather will change, and I have no control over that. To put an image to my feelings, imagine a room full of all of the thoughts you ever thought, all of the people you've ever met, and all of the fears you've ever had. Now imagine someone dragging you kicking and screaming to this room. You have no control. You can't run away. You can't move. And you did nothing to deserve this. Then, you get thrown in to the room completely naked and you have to sort through and conquer all of it. That's kind of what change feels like. Add windows to the room so you can see everybody watching you anticipating your next move so they can either rush to your aid or analyze your reasoning and intentions. Its kind of a lot to handle.
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