Anchor

I'm sleeping! I've never been so happy about sleep in my life. No waking up at 2:30am (dead hour, by the way) and stewing about 'what if' or 'why'. Its a little ironic, because my house reeks of polyurethane. Maybe I was high?? I also think it has something to do with saging my house. Since the construction has started in my basement, there's been an uneasy, confused, anxious vibe about my house (look it up...changes of such stir spirit activity). That certainly wasn't helping my sleep at all. I think the saging took care of that, though. I think the creepiest thing that happened was when my dog sat in front of me and stared as if she was focusing on something behind me. She had been following something around my living room in a circle for about 10 minutes. I was so stunned and in awe that I didn't think to take a video of it. I tried to play it cool and be brave, but I was shaking and nervous but exciting at the same time. My dog sees dead people.

I'm way past due for another tattoo. Just a heads up, Mom.

The clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days and days.

It irritates the CRAP out of me when people say "I'M MARRYING MY BEST FRIEND!!" or other forms of such.

Really? That's all he is to you?

Dream

Last night I dreamed that I was with Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20. We were chillin' like it was no big deal. I asked him to play this song, and he said, "I think that's a great idea. I think it will help you."

P.S. The meds are working, but I'm not sleeping for shit. I gotta figure this out.

Its been 6 months. It was never supposed to be that long. It feels both slow and fast. Slow: i thought i would feel a lot better by now. I guess the bigger the love, the harder it is to heal. Iv been in this hell more than long enough. Fast: i feel like iv been standing still. Still partly in shock watchin the world happen. Then suddenly im smacked in the face with 6 months of time i feelike iv missed. A lot of people tell me they dont understand how im doing this or they cant believe how good im handling it. Wanna know a secret? I cant believe it either honestly. But iv been doing it for 6 months standing on my own feet. No wonder im exhausted.

5 o'clock

If I'm going to feel like I'm drowning (which is a pretty accurate depiction of my feelings this week) I'd really rather margaritas be involved. My mother in law agrees, and my father in law is in Cancun. Its fate, right? I'm practically obligated to enjoy myself this evening!

I write this as if people are reading it. I know that isn't true but a mere handful of my family. Funny, but in the beginning I had thousands of views within 12 hrs of posting this. Now I'm down to maybe 5 a day? Its not about the attention. This does prove, though, that the world expects 'quick quick quick, get over it because its uncomfortable'. I feel like I've reached a point where I'm still uncomfortable, and that is making others uncomfortable because they aren't uncomfortable anymore. I'm not talking about my immediate family, but others at work, in the community, in the store, etc. Its an interesting transition to go from the center of everyone's attention and the latest gossip to people trying to avoid me and sweep me under a rug because I'm uncomfortable to be around. As if I wasn't lonely enough losing my husband, it feels that the rest of the non-grieving world is against me. Bummer, dude.