Because I have to

Was gonna write something since I've been feeling really really shitty, but the tears beat me to it. And I still have 6 more clients to go. If Lane was here, he'd know what to do, but he died in Cheyenne doin' exactly what he thought was the best thing for him and Kelly.

I'm up too late

Y'all know it's been a hell of a day when I post twice.

Sons of Anarchy season premier was intense. I remember last years season premier I was still staying at my parents' house, and I watched it with my inlaws. Before I went there I stopped by the cemetery. Sons is just not the same. Not like anything will every be the same, but I do miss that part a lot today. I miss a lot of everything today. I don't even know how to elaborate on that. It's just the most intense, desperate feeling I've ever felt.

I walked in to the reception office this afternoon, and there was a can of wintergreen chew on the counter. None of my coworkers chew, so I asked where it came from. "I dunno, I guess someone forgot it." Really? On one of the worst days I've had in a long time, someone decides to forget their chew which happened to be the same kind Steven used to have. It smelled so good.

Also on my way home this evening, a song came on the radio. It was 'when will I be loved', where lane and tough dance at the wedding. I haven't heard that song in months. And suddenly it's on the radio on one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Don't tell me this is a coincidence. I stopped believing in those about a year ago.

Not even.

I've tried to figure out all morning why I'm still hungry even thought I ate my fiber bar and apple with peanut butter.

I'm not hungry; I'm physically aching from thinking about my life in the last year. It is literally making me sick to think about the tragedy and unfairness and loneliness I've felt. There aren't even words to describe it. I ache physically and emotionally from the fear of my future that I constantly hold. I'm tired because I can't think of anything else but 'what is going to happen to me?' I'm exhausted. I'm dumbfounded (the first time I typed that word, it said 'dumbofounded'...hehe). I'm angry. And the worst of it, I'm lonely. Just the thought makes a lump in my throat and my eyes get teary. I have the best support system that anyone could ask for, but that doesn't fix it. No matter how many times I go out to the bar, go to a movie, go for a run, pray, read, meditate...it's all done with a tone of loneliness. Nothing fixes it, and I'm still fucking lonely.

This, too, was a gift.

I'm not really sure I could feel more empty in this moment. People are dying, getting married, having babies, getting drunk...I thought I had a firm grasp on the end of the rope. I get a little further each time, and then I feel like I fall backward. Instead of using my time to move more forward, I'm using my energy to play catch up. And even when I do get caught up, I can't take many steps forward without falling again. I feel like I'm spending a lot of my time going over stuff I already had licked. It's tedious and completely unnecessary. I have no patience.

When I get in these moods I feel very blank. My face looks uninteresting and pale and boring. My hair looks more faded. I feel gray. Like the life is sucked out of me for a little bit. I feel flat out lonely and undesirable. I hate feeling this way, and I hate medicating myself just as much. It's not even a tearful mood. I feel detached. The hole in me ripped open again, and it feels raw. What do I do?

Apparently I can't fix it, because I've tried that for a year now. I'm not one to take this kind of stuff lying down, so I'm making myself crazy trying to guess how to keep myself afloat. A good word to describe this is suffocating. Every flashback I have takes my breath away, good or bad. It turns in to a tornado where I forget to breathe because it's too painful to think that these things happened to a real person, let alone me.

This happens every time the season changes. It's always a more dramatic swing. The air was cool today. I felt a different energy in the air. I'm grouchy, and it feels like I'm fighting vice grips to keep my eyes open. Better days to come...