7 spanish angels

It just keeps getting better. Remember about a year ago when i was so upset that i couldnt catch a break? Im still waiting. I have a beautiful tree in my living room, and i went a whole afternoon shopping by myself. Ive been out woth friends having a great time, but none of that is fixing christmas. I feel like im still in october. Maybe my mind froze itself there to prepare for a significant surge of emotions november through january. Today ive felt as if im tangled in a mess of rope waving my arms trying to get out. At the same time im being sprayed by a cold hose and everyone is laughing. That is what i feel right now. Such a shame. A cryin shame. Last year i can remember thinking, 'just get through this one...surelyby next year i will have someone to spend time with.' Now what do i tell myself? By easter? By summer? I dont know whats supposed to happen or where to start or if i should even be trying? Whatever i have been doing has got me this far, but thats not far enough for me. I dont even know, and neither does anyone else. I wamt to scream at the world and at God that i had everything figured out and now thats fucked. So im having to start over and rebuild. Here we go.

Halleluia, holy shit. Wheres the tylenol?

poof

Still a big hole. I'm not sure why I felt the need to follow up with that, but I am. Today has been especially sad and angry, and I'm not sure why. I don't want to listen to people complain about their problems today. It's a day where I find it difficult to bite my tongue and be fully engaged in real life. I haven't been able to focus at all, and I find myself drifting so far that I'm completely missing chunks of peoples' conversations. That's not good. I'd give everything I have for this to go away. I think I've already figured out that I can be strong and independent. I don't need the world to continue testing me on that. Gimme a break...

burnin it down

10 days til Christmas, and I don't feel like my season has started. I haven't had time to feel Christmas, and that really sucks. I feel like I'm tip-toeing around everyone else's broken glass. Like I've been holding my breath since November. I don't even know where to put all of these feelings! All I know is that it feels like shit, and that's about all I can tell you. I need a distraction. I need holidays and birthdays to be over with so any energy I have can be put in to finding that distraction. Make the hole not feel so huge.