Flashbacks and Bingo

It's no surprise that this month has left much to be desired. A common idea/comment about grief is "I had no idea that when your loved one dies, you will replay the last 24 hours over and over in your head." Try a whole month.

This week, my office has been the exact same temperature as the funeral home was. Don't ask me how I know this, because I can't explain it. I don't know what the temperature is in here, but it feels like death. Sparks a bunch of flashbacks: sitting at the funeral director's desk making decisions through blurry eyes. Standing in the lobby at God knows what time of the night waiting to be escorted in for the viewing. Sitting in the front row at the funeral in a complete daze thinking "somethin's not right. I don't get it." Looking at all of the flowers, statues, cards, etc. sent by family and people I barely knew, and I thought, "what for? These don't make me happy, and I don't care if the whole county is thinking about me and keeping me in their oh-so-blessed thoughts and prayers while gossiping, spreading rumors, and examining my life under a microscope with the same breath."

Another odd phenomenon: When I look out the window of my house, I can't see the road because of the corn. I find myself more intently watching my lane with the smallest ounce of hope that his truck will suddenly turn in and burn down the lane, and Cheyenne will jump on the back of the couch and get really excited when she hears it. Then she'll wait with her nose pressed at the garage door waiting for him to turn the nob so she can jump up and love on him. It's part flashback, and part wishful thinking.

I am really freakin' lonely. I'm good at being a wife. I'm afraid that if I ever decide to date again, I won't know how to treat him like a boyfriend instead of a husband. I'm afraid that I am starting all over again. I'm afraid of my baggage. I'm afraid of screwing up. I'm afraid of being hurt. All of these things had been successfully eliminated when I married Steven. Now, it's all up in the air.

Tattoo: coming August 9th. Its the only thing that I could find to settle my heart, be alone but not isolate, and signify my strength, stability, and independence throughout this shit storm of a year. IDGAF.