If only

The flashbacks went away for a little while. I was probably distracted by a lot of things. Slowly, they're creeping back in. The biggest one has been of Steven standing across the room from me in the same outfit he was buried in, and his wedding ring is so visible. I see him, but my eyes are on that ring. I still have thoughts that he might just come out of hiding to see me for just a few minutes to hug me and tell me he loves me and is OK. I'm waiting for his truck to pull in and him run inside the house. I imagine him looking aged and worn and exhausted from running and keeping it all a secret. I imagine that me getting to see him is a secret. It wouldn't matter that anyone else knew he was still here. Just me. I've had too many dreams that he returns in this very scenario, and he can only stay long enough to hug me, give me a kiss, and tell me that he's OK, and no one else can know he was here because he'd never be able to come back if other people knew he was alive. This year's holidays are going to be far worse than the last.