My tree is up. This Christmas has been a very slow process. I've been preparing myself for another holiday but a different preparation than years past. Thanksgiving was rough. I'm taking what I experienced there and keeping those thoughts handy for Christmas. My life is now in trial and error mode. Its hard. I won't pretend its not. The hard part, aside from being alone, is that I dig Christmas. I'm giddy and excited and I love shopping and wrapping and baking. Part of grief is feeling not at all motivated. I'm not motivated to do any of those things, and that's frustrating. It comes in spurts few and far between, though. When it does come, I'm all about it.
Another weird thing I've been feeling is this complete sense of independence. No one is capable of doing this for me. Its all me. I've written about this before, but this is a whole new level. Its just me. There's no holding my hand or telling me it will be ok. If I can't believe that for myself, telling me will do no good. All of these things that are changing are because I made it that way. I choose when/who/what will make me happy. I say when its ok. I pick what I want in my life and what I want to get rid of. I say who. I say when. I say how much (ok, I watched too much Pretty Woman this weekend...).
"Master of my fate, Captain of my soul."
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