This, too, was a gift.

I'm not really sure I could feel more empty in this moment. People are dying, getting married, having babies, getting drunk...I thought I had a firm grasp on the end of the rope. I get a little further each time, and then I feel like I fall backward. Instead of using my time to move more forward, I'm using my energy to play catch up. And even when I do get caught up, I can't take many steps forward without falling again. I feel like I'm spending a lot of my time going over stuff I already had licked. It's tedious and completely unnecessary. I have no patience.

When I get in these moods I feel very blank. My face looks uninteresting and pale and boring. My hair looks more faded. I feel gray. Like the life is sucked out of me for a little bit. I feel flat out lonely and undesirable. I hate feeling this way, and I hate medicating myself just as much. It's not even a tearful mood. I feel detached. The hole in me ripped open again, and it feels raw. What do I do?

Apparently I can't fix it, because I've tried that for a year now. I'm not one to take this kind of stuff lying down, so I'm making myself crazy trying to guess how to keep myself afloat. A good word to describe this is suffocating. Every flashback I have takes my breath away, good or bad. It turns in to a tornado where I forget to breathe because it's too painful to think that these things happened to a real person, let alone me.

This happens every time the season changes. It's always a more dramatic swing. The air was cool today. I felt a different energy in the air. I'm grouchy, and it feels like I'm fighting vice grips to keep my eyes open. Better days to come...