5..4..3..2..1..nothin.

I'm not in to new years resolutions. If you need a new year as an excuse to make changes, there are other issues you may need to be addressing. If a new year is your source of motivation, maybe you need to reevaluate who you are, what your goals are, and who you want to be. This is what I preach in my group sessions. Do it now, because you probably should have done it yesterday. Easier said than done, and I will never claim that I live up to this on a daily basis.

My one and only hope for 2014 is that life works the way its supposed to. I continue make good decisions, I remain a good person, and this will be rewarded. It didn't work out like that in 2013, but I'm not about to give up.

Where are you Christmas?

If I hear one more person complain about the 'stress' or 'inconvenience' that Christmas is causing them, I'm going to put a candy cane in their butt, lock them in a room, and blare Christmas music in their ears until they throw up. Much like Thanksgiving, I'm very agrivated about the fake-ness and lack of sincerity. On top of that, Christmas has brought on a new topic to bitch about. Too much traffic, gas prices are up, stores are too crowded, 45 minutes in the check out line, not knowing what to buy for family, not enough time to cook, not enough money, not enough time off work, too much Christmas music, people are grouchy, etc. I've heard just about everything in the last month. I've even considered that maybe these feelings I have are because I'm jealous. Jealous that these people have so little to complain about, or jealous that there are people out there who are tickled and thrilled about Christmas. I really don't think that's the case. I can walk around Walmart for 30 minutes and feel bad for people because they are so unhappy to be Christmas shopping or just shopping in general. I'm thankful that these factors may be the worst they have to complain about, but it frustrates me that they don't realize that like I do. Day before Christmas Eve, and I'm trying very hard to feel the Christmas. There isn't Christmas at my house. Sure, there's presents and a tree. But there's no Christmas. There's no teasing him to guess what I bought him, and there's no sneaking presents in to the house to hide them. I won't even be there for Christmas. If you're reading this and thinking 'but you only spent one Christmas there, so it can't be that big of a change' (and yes, I've had these remarks), then you clearly haven't been paying attention. I might throw you in the category of 'ignorant' as well.

To those of you full of Christmas spirit, I applaud you. Holding on to that strength, hope, and joy in a world full of Scrooges is not easy, but its right. From you, I find great strength. It fills part of that big hole I feel in my soul. Christmas, like happiness, no longer comes naturally for me. It takes great effort and energy. Being in a happy environment encourages these feelings to come back, and I don't have to try so hard.

Crash This Train.

I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks since I heard it in a SOA episode. I am not suicidal. I do not wish to die. However, this is such an accurate depiction of the pure, hateful anger and hopeless feelings facilitated by grief. This is it. Right here.

Shitter's Full!

I got engaged 3 years ago today. To celebrate, I spiced up the festively decorated dry erase board at work. It said, "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" I added "Shitter's full!!" Today, my grief is taking the face of "ornery" and "giggly". Deal with it!

Just a little bit dangerous

My tree is up. This Christmas has been a very slow process. I've been preparing myself for another holiday but a different preparation than years past. Thanksgiving was rough. I'm taking what I experienced there and keeping those thoughts handy for Christmas. My life is now in trial and error mode. Its hard. I won't pretend its not. The hard part, aside from being alone, is that I dig Christmas. I'm giddy and excited and I love shopping and wrapping and baking. Part of grief is feeling not at all motivated. I'm not motivated to do any of those things, and that's frustrating. It comes in spurts few and far between, though. When it does come, I'm all about it.

Another weird thing I've been feeling is this complete sense of independence. No one is capable of doing this for me. Its all me. I've written about this before, but this is a whole new level. Its just me. There's no holding my hand or telling me it will be ok. If I can't believe that for myself, telling me will do no good. All of these things that are changing are because I made it that way. I choose when/who/what will make me happy. I say when its ok. I pick what I want in my life and what I want to get rid of. I say who. I say when. I say how much (ok, I watched too much Pretty Woman this weekend...).

"Master of my fate, Captain of my soul."

Home

This week has been by far one of the most difficult. I'm still very bitter when I see happy people. I'm still angry when I hear people complain about things that have no real life significance. I'm still broken hearted every time I wake up alone in my bed. I'm still so frustrated that I have no one to share my life with. In this most thankful of weeks, I'm supposed to be focusing on gratitude (see previous post). The thought I find most fulfilling is that I have someone on constant watch over my life. He's always around, and I can feel him. On more than one occasion, I've felt a touch on my shoulder, seen a shadow in my house, and more often than not footsteps either in the house or outside in the yard. He's there but certainly not in the way I want him to be. I'm angry a lot. I want to feel like home again. I feel single by no choice of my own. I'm angry that on Thursday we aren't going to leave early to hit up Kenters for a couple drinks before going to grandma's. I'm angry that we can't make up an excuse to leave early so we can go home and cuddle/nap between family dinners. I'm angry that there isn't a we. I'm angry that I'm going to have to choose between Xanax and alcohol on Thursday. I'm angry that these things are even an issue. I shouldn't have to be worrying about these things. I'm angry that I have to wait until I die before I can see Steven again. I'm angry that I have to do my Christmas shopping without him. I'm angry that I couldn't buy him a smoker for Christmas (yes, I knew about 6 months ago what I was going to buy him). None of this feels right. No amount of alcohol or prescription drugs can distract my mind. I want what I worked so hard for. I want what made me happy no matter the circumstances. I want to feel like home again.

Fuck this.

The feeling of absolute, utter loneliness has been overwhelming since about Thursday. That's where I'm at.