As I sit in the coffee shop eating my lunch, I'm remembering Steven's first coffee shop experience. It was a very crisp fall evening, and I was just getting over a nasty cold. Instead of going out for a night on the town, I wanted to go get some hot chocolate. He looked at me a little puzzled, but I assured him that this coffee shop was really laid back and not weird. We went in. He looked at me like I had brought him to a gay bar. I ordered a hot chocolate, and the barista asked what he would like to drink. He replied, "Uh...coffee?" She asked what blend he would like. He said, "Uh...Folgers?" A legitimate question for a redneck in a coffee house.
I'm frustrated today. I'm sick of waiting around for my life to get 'back to normal'. I have all these dreams about me doing normal things that I enjoyed. In these dreams, I have my old feelings back, I have a different happiness, and I have no worries or frustrations or anger. I feel as if I'm being held back from having these things in my awake life. I don't know why or what purpose this serves to make me a better person. I don't feel better or relieved of any woes when I have these dreams. I have dreams that Steven is coming back. Its nice to think about him in my dreams, but I often wake disappointed unless I actually get to see him in that dream. Usually, he feels very removed but there is a hope and ofen an effort on my part to get him to come back (I text him, call him, or drive to where ever he is in that dream). I try with every minute of every day to do things that make me happy and that restore a sense of normalcy back in my life. I don't feel like I've been able to achieve that yet. Clearly, I'm impatient. I know that these things don't happen quickly or in 'my time.' I can't be convinced that I'm supposed to be suffering, and I still can't figure out why this is the way my life is supposed to be when I worked so hard to make things happy and balanced.
No comments:
Post a Comment