Widow

Today I feel like a widow. Usually, when asked to identify myself, I respond with my name or perhaps my job title. Not today. I'm a widow. Maybe is the Monday morning slump. Maybe its the fact that I'm starting a fresh new week without my husband here. Another cliche I get tired of hearing is, "Don't let this define you." How does that make sense? There has been a huge change in my life, and no one asked me if it was ok first. How does this not define me? Losing Steven has changed so much about who I am. Trust me, I really wish this was not what was defining me. Its not like I tried and failed at something. I didn't go out of my way to make a significant change only to find that it didn't turn out well. I had no control over this. To say, "Don't let this define you," is very inaccurate. It implies that I should ignore or fix what ever went wrong so I can move on. There is no moving on (another cliche that frustrates me). Moving on implies that this event should stay in the past as I move forward. If I move forward without this, who am I? This is such a part of me now that it is impossible to make even a little decision or have a small thought without it being there. It stays with me and makes decisions with me. Its here in everything that I do. Its stuck here. No one asked me if Steven could leave. No one asked me if this is what I wanted to handle the rest of my life. No one asked me if I thought I was strong enough to take on this tragedy. With so many people who are screwed up in the world, why Steven? I had no say in what happened to me, but here I am picking up all these pieces that don't even make sense. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and trying to fix someone else's problems. This is so unfamiliar to me that it doesn't even feel like me anymore. I make good decisions. Good things happen to people who make good decisions. With a life that was so happy, fulfilling, and loving, why on earth would I think that this would come of it? What is the point in making good decisions when shit like this comes out of it? Steven and I made a life that seemed fool proof. We had our shit together and never wanted for a single thing. And this is what happens? What is the point in trying so hard in life? I wish I knew.