Young and Scared and Happy

Today just isn't going to be my happy motivated day. I'm starting to have shitty sleep again, and I really thought I had that problem licked. I hate taking steps backward. Its weird, though, because when I wake up I'm looking around the room like I'm looking at/for something. I'm always looking next to my bed and at the foot of my bed. Every single time. I don't have the feeling that I'm looking for Steven or forgetting for a split second that he's gone. I'm past that. It almost seems like I'm waking up for a reason. 90% of the time, its between 2am and 3am. I don't think this is so much my inability to sleep, because I have meds for that. Just another thing that doesn't make sense to me. What else is new? Why do I have to be so determined? I could have easily called in to work and be home in bed right now. I could easily be crying under my covers and isolating myself if I weren't so damn persistent. A good thing, really. But doing that means I'm giving in to the powerful grips of grief, and I won't do it. I'm scared, and I'm unsure, but it just seems like 'the next right thing'.

I've also been more afraid lately. Not in the sense that there's a monster under my bed or because I hear a creek in the night. Its an overall 'holy shit I'm doing this by myself'. Like walking a tight rope and I looked down. Part of that is from quitting smoking. I feel like I have no crutch. I haven't replaced that comfort with anything else since I quit. That's a good thing, but its a piece that's gone. I don't regret quitting, and I feel exponentially better. But I don't have that brief 4 minute period throughout the day that previously provided somewhat of relief from the stress. Ugh.

I dreamed of Steven last night. They aren't really dreams anymore. More like communications. It hasn't happened in awhile, because I think both of us were so confused and conflicted that communication wasn't flowing well. Now its better. I dreamed he was laying in bed and he had the anchor tattoo that I've pictured in my head for a few months now. He got it right over his heart, and he kept telling me to keep my hand on it. Guess his extremely dramatic fear of needles didn't cross over with him?? Cool.

And, I forgot my jug of water at home.