Spring Forward!

More change, and of course I don't like it. Its not scary this time, but its eery. Late summer nights remind me of bare feet in the gun shop, late nights working on the house, the lake, first date, sitting on the porch at home eating tacos, homewood grill (chocolate peanut butter milkshake), the fair, grilling out odd and new combinations of ingredients, fireworks, Stan's shrimp boil, Jesus shoes, and Oakleys. Winter was cold, dreary, and depressing. Its like I justified my depression with the shitty weather. Without that weather, I feel almost like I have no excuse for being depressed. Justifying any of my feelings shouldn't be a concern, but it is. I think I feel more pressured because of false expectations. The paranoia (again, associated with depression) that the WHOLE WORLD is expecting me to feel better since the weather is getting better. I will no longer have the winter to emotionally hide behind. My thinking is so flawed, but I can't change the fact that its real. The added pressure to feel better combined with these sick reminders of the amazing life I had this time last year is a lot to handle, and I can't do much about it. The weather will change, and I have no control over that. To put an image to my feelings, imagine a room full of all of the thoughts you ever thought, all of the people you've ever met, and all of the fears you've ever had. Now imagine someone dragging you kicking and screaming to this room. You have no control. You can't run away. You can't move. And you did nothing to deserve this. Then, you get thrown in to the room completely naked and you have to sort through and conquer all of it. That's kind of what change feels like. Add windows to the room so you can see everybody watching you anticipating your next move so they can either rush to your aid or analyze your reasoning and intentions. Its kind of a lot to handle.