Good thing I packed my angry eyes. I'm just pissed today. I woke up (WIDE AWAKE) in an allergy sneezing fit at 2am, so I got up to take something for it. Then, at 4am I woke up again with a massive charlie horse in my calf. It lasted for a good 20 minutes off and on. I cried and cried. On top of that, it was a reminder that I no longer have that security of someone lying next to me to help me stretch out a charlie horse or to get me some allergy pills when I can't stop sneezing or to look out the window and see what the bump outside was. That pisses me off. I almost feel as if I have the right to have someone there with me. I was dedicated to being a wife. Why should I be suffering? I didn't do anything wrong. Neither did he.
I don't have hobbies or many friends that I go out with. I'm not a loner, but the last 5 years have been pretty unique. 2008-2012 I was in college and working full time so I could graduate college without a student loan (Steven told me very early on that he would never marry someone with a ton of school debt). When I wasn't working or studying, I was with Steven. My 21st birthday was no big feat. Steven took me to a few bars. That was it. He was so proud of me when I graduated. After that, we were in the middle of planning a wedding. That became my hobby. Then the wedding. Then the wedding aftermath (cards, decorations, sorting, etc). Then it was just us. I never wanted for anything, and I never had to worry about anything. He took care of me, and I made sure he was happy doing it. That was our life. I had no need for a hobby or a 'getaway' from him for a weekend. I suppose my hobby was tagging along to Menards at 8pm, cooking, cleaning, and just being a wife. Now I'm stuck. I don't have that hobby of being a wife anymore. I work, this is true. Now I feel like I don't have my escape from work life. I feel completely robbed of my life. Not only is Steven not here, but I feel like a completely different person without him. Its a horrible feeling. I feel like I have nothing to talk about anymore. It was always a funny story about the weekend, or a comment he had made about my cooking, or some grand plan he had to make more money. I don't have him to do those things anymore. I feel blank and boring.
Who picks out their own cemetery plot at 23 years old? This gal. Within 24 hours of learning that I'm a widow, I was already having to make decisions about my future. How messed up is that? Not only had I hardly accepted the fact that my husband was dead, I now had be realistic about the fact that I may remarry. Where would I be buried? Next to Steven? Between Steven and a potential future spouse? What if I have kids? What if I don't remarry but don't buy a plot for myself? Which cemetery should I pick? Is that where I would want to be? What if a future spouse has family plots? Do I even get to choose where I am laid to rest?
In this moment, I am angry with Steven for not letting me be his wife and help him with what ever he felt he couldn't handle. I am angry with Steven for believing that leaving me and his family was the answer. I am angry that Steven's thinking was so flawed and tainted that he believed this to be the only way to protect me and his family. I'm angry. What you gonna do about it?
I'm gonna let you be angry, that's what I'm gonna do about it ;) You deserve to be angry and feeling that way and expressing it is okay. As you already know, you are going to be feelings lots of different emotions about this event for the rest of your life. Nothing is the same now. Everything is different. You have to discover a new you and not by choice but by force. It's unfair. But it's also your reality, fair or not. I was 39 when I lost my husband and faced the same questions as you with the cemetery plots, etc. You just don't expect to have to think about those things. I was angry too. I took off my wedding rings and quit wearing them because I was so angry that he ended our marriage that way. I still have bouts of anger at him for what he did. It's better now, though. I guess as the years pass by, your feelings evolve, even though they never go away. I still feel the guilt, the pain, the sadness, the anger and even thankfulness for having had him in my life and for all he taught me. I feel like I carry him around with me now everywhere I go. And I cuss him out from time to time ;)
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