They say she just went crazy screamin' out his name.

With all the insane rumors floating around, I can't help but get angry. I'm not going in to detail about them, because I feel that would only promote the idea. All I can say is that if you didn't hear it from me, its probably not true. My husband is dead. My husband was a hard-working, honest, and wonderful person. If what you heard doesn't fit what I just said, then it isn't true.

My most immediate fear is facing the stigma of a suicide survivor. What do people think of those left behind? Granted, most of my fears are irrational but that is the brain's way of protecting us and preparing us to handle a reality. Here's my list of fears along with how I am rationalizing them.

1. People think I missed something or didn't do enough.

I've already covered it, but it will do myself good to cover it again since I'm still being asked the same question. There was nothing odd or off about Steven that morning. I saw no red flags. Nothing about that morning said to me "I'm going to commit suicide today." Period. What do people expect me to say?? "Ya, I totally saw this coming but I decided to just sweep it under the rug and ignore it." You're dumb. The night before, I picked up a pizza for supper, I made him a bowl of ice cream, I cuddled with him in bed, and I told him I was so glad to have him home. What more was I supposed to do?

2. People think I wasn't worth it for him to stay here.

False. Actually, this is the complete opposite of the truth. He did this to protect me and his family. I don't know from what or why, but he did this so I wouldn't have to suffer what he was already suffering. He did this so I wouldn't worry. Flawed, yes. But so much of this scenario is wrong and confusing that its hard to separate what was logical and what was 'messed up' in his head.

3. People are walking on egg shells around me.

Stop. I can't go in public without at least one person giving me a quick glance that says 'there's that girl' or 'that's the one we were talking about'. Naturally people are concerned, but this goes beyond concerned. This is almost a behind-the-back maneuver. I walked in to Walmart to pick up some hair mousse, and I couldn't walk out without someone staring at me. I can't do anything 'normal'.

4. People think I'm suicidal.

False. However, I need people to understand the difference between wanting to die and wanting to be with Steven. I don't want to die. I'm afraid of death. If I die, then I have no control over what is happening. That's an issue for me. But I do long to be with Steven, to hear Steven, and to feel Steven. That is no longer possible. In this same category, people assume that I'm depressed/crying/upset at all times. It makes me sad that some people can't accept my genuine laughter or smile without questioning whether I'm just putting up a front. Trust me. I'm an open book. I couldn't fake it if I tried.

5. People think I have all the answers.

This kind of goes with #1. I should have known my husband better. I should have been able to read him. I should have been able to tell he as struggling or upset. As I've stated in a previous post, Steven bullshit for a living. He made money by manipulating people in to believing something he told them was true. He was an expert at what he did. Trust me, if I would have known any of this was happening, I would have given an arm to keep him here and not left him alone that day. But we all know he would have convinced me somehow to leave the house. His mind was set. If I lived my days in the 'coulda woulda shoulda' state of mind, I wouldn't have started this blog. I wouldn't be figuring out a new way to live my life. I would be stuck in one spot still trying to blame myself and feeling guilty. That's where things get dangerous.