Nerd alert.

The brain is a fantastic mechanism that works to protect us. For example, in a car accident that results in traumatic brain injury, the brain will block out the memory of the accident and often hours before. This allows our body to focus on the biological need to heal instead of the emotional questions of "what if". I don't remember the last thing I said to Steven. I just remember leaving the house. The only specific words I remember from that morning were in bed. We took time to lie in bed awake instead of rushing the morning. He asked me how I slept, and I said, "Good. I'm just really happy you're here with me," and he said, "I'm really happy too." I think that's all I'm supposed to remember. It helps keep the feelings of guilt and regret at bay. Because I don't remember what was said, its hard for me to question whether I could have picked up on a little signal or phrase. I'm also comforted by the fact that that morning seemed so insignificant to me that my brain didn't find it important to remember. Again, no guilt or regrets because my brain would have remembered something so significant (its trained to do that).

A problem I'm having with the brain is that it tries to sort and make sense of the stimuli it receives. It puts information in to categories (schema) based upon previous experiences (example: when I smell chocolate chip cookies, I think of my mom baking in her kitchen). This is necessary for survival. Without the defense mechanism, we would spend our days relearning how to take a shower, brush teeth, and get dressed. The problem I have is that my brain has no place to put all of this experience because its so new and unique. My brain is trying to filter this experience and put this information in to categories, but there is no category. I have no schema built for "widow". My brain is having to create a whole new schema while simultaneously trying to process and sort the information that doesn't have anywhere to go. Confusing? Yup.