Remember the movie Toy Story? There's a scene when Mrs. Potato Head is packing up body parts for Mr. Potato Head to take on a trip. She says something to the affect of "...and I'm packing your angry eyes just in case." That is how my brain is sorting out the plethora of emotions I experience in any given minute. Sometimes I have a lot of control over what emotion I want to 'put on' and other times the angry eyes just come out on their own. I don't mean to sound like I'm hiding or being insincere about the emotions, or that I'm hiding behind a fake smile. I just have that control over which ones I'm comfortable experiencing in that minute. The song I posted is my angry song lately. Its for when I'm angry at Steven for making the flawed decision to leave me.
Steven never lets me stay angry for long. Even when he was alive, I would get so mad at him because he wouldn't just let me be angry. He's still doing it now. Something always happens. For example, I had a very deep and detailed conversation with a friend. I was feeling uncomfortable, angry, and unsure. I got in my Jeep to drive away, and immediately when I started the car the song "The Ride" by David Allan Coe came on (Steven's favorite song). It was almost in sync with me starting my vehicle. In the last weeks, I don't think I've ever heard this song so many times on the radio. I heard it again tonight while talking to him. I was getting angry and frustrated. Seconds later, The Ride came on. I smiled ear to ear and "cranked that shit up". It was embarrassing how loud I was singing. Listen!
Part of my anger comes from the fact that I was deceived. If you know me at all, you know that this pisses me off in any situation. I don't like to be mislead or made to look stupid. That's the feeling I get when people ask me, "Did you notice anything different?" or "Did he give you any kind of sign that he was upset?" The answer is simply no. I had no indication, forewarning, or even and inkling. He hid these things from me so I wouldn't worry. HELLO?! The man bullshits for a living. He made an art out of it, and good money (see previous post). I can see him at the pearly gates giving St. Peter his sales pitch about why he should let him in.
I've been warning people about the 'anger'. Maybe I'm trying to say 'heads up. I'm going to be a bitch here directly.' Maybe I'm trying to warn them about their own emotions. My anger isn't always directed toward Steven or this unique situation. Sometimes, its directed toward the world. For 2.5 weeks, my world was at a standstill. I had no concept of time or day, only medication (sleeping) and no medication (awake). When I returned to work, it was almost shocking to see that those around me were in their normal routine. I think I was jealous. Why was everyone happy? I couldn't figure it out. Added to that, my 'normal old routine' of getting up and getting ready for work was already different that morning. That made me angry. Then I realized that not only was everyone 'normal' that day, they had been 'normal' for the last 2.5 weeks. I was angry. How could they? Why am I struggling still while everyone else goes about their day? Why can't I just have my normal work day back?
I suppose its time to settle some rumors. Listen carefully, and spread the word (Lord knows people are good at that). I am not repeating myself. I'm not pregnant nor was I ever pregnant. Pretty simple right? I thought so, until I started hearing this whisper of a rumor. Funny how no one but my dad thought to ask me personally. Added to that, I've got special words for the next person who thinks a negative thought or speaks a negative word about my husband. If you don't know what the hell you are talking about, keep your trap shut.
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