For some reason, I was SO proud of myself for taking my own trash down the lane last night. It was no huge feat. Just two cans that I dragged down the lane after I got off work. I guess it made me feel very independent considering this was Steven's only household chore. Then I question why I'm so tickled to feel independent. I've always been that way since I was little. But for the last five years, I've never had to be independent. I was in many ways. However, Steven never put me in a position where I was forced to be so independent. That sparked the internal conversation about how different I am now. Really, I'm not all that different, but there are several things that have changed a little. I made a list (in no particular order of significance).
-I'm totally responsible for all decisions regarding my house and what I want to put in it. If I don't want 6 duck prints hanging in the living room, I can take them down! (They'll stay up for a little bit longer.)
-I have a whole bed to myself. That was an odd thing to adjust to this week. I deeply miss having an arm to hold on to and the elbow jabbing my ribs when I snore. Now, I have a huge pile of pillows and blankets to snuggle up with.
-I am responsible for my dog. I no longer have the safety net of Steven stopping by home between jobs to let her out and play with her. Luckily, I have plenty of people willing to give that cutie tons of attention!
-I haven't cooked a meal since 8/6/13. Again, I'm lucky to have my parents and my in-laws who are more than happy to feed me.
-Things are all around more quiet. I don't have the gun shop to fulfill my need for social interaction anymore. Steven isn't sitting in his recliner laughing his ass off at Duck Dynasty (although I can still hear it in my mind). His phone isn't ringing every 3 minutes during dinner. He isn't bolting out the door in a hurry to get something else done. When I'm in the car, he isn't singing (I miss that). I don't call him when I'm on my way home from work to see what he wants for supper.
-On a slightly positive note, I'm no longer worried about what vehicle may suddenly appear in the garage/driveway after an auction.
-I am responsible for making myself happy. I don't have a husband I can rely on to make me laugh when I've had a bad day. That's all on me, and I have to find a new way to make that happen.
Point: there is a whole piece of my life that just isn't there. I struggle with that, because I have no control over it. This isn't how I wanted my life to be, and this isn't what I had planned. I still can't figure out why this is how my life is supposed to be. Hi, my name is Kerrie, and I have no control over the hand that was dealt to me. What I can control (somewhat) is who I'm going to be. I found a quote on pinterest that says "She believed she could so she did." This is a rundown of who I wish to be.
-I will be independent. I will control the things I can and let go of the things I cannot.
-I will be happy. I will fill my life with people, places, and things that make me smile and make my heart feel full. I will accept these as positive things in my life without questioning them.
-I will ask for help. I will not let myself become unnecessarily stressed, and I will graciously accept help from those offering it out of genuine concern and support.
-I will accept the positive things in life without questioning their origin or doubting their alternative motives.
-I will set goals, and I will be wise enough to allow other people to help me achieve them.
-I will be a good person. I will let people in my life that help bring out that characteristic in me.
-I will love, because I know there is someone out there who deserves to have that part of me.
-I will be strong first and foremost for myself. I will also be strong for others by letting my life experiences be a pillar for those who feel the same/similar hurt as they struggle to figure out which way is up in their own life.
-I will not be the person that uses my experience as a crutch or an excuse for mistakes or poor decisions. I will not feel sorry for myself or accept special treatment. I am not fragile, I am strong. I will use it as an opportunity to grow as a person.
-I will make good decisions. I will learn from mistakes and use those mistakes as opportunities to make myself a better person.
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