Where the sidewalk ends, you left a lot.

I still have good and bad days. More good than bad I think. What is really odd is what constitutes a good vs. bad day for me. A good day is when things feel real. I feel that I have control of the fact that Steven is not coming home. I am proactive, and my life feels organized. I am in control of my life and I feel confident about my ability to handle these challenges. I feel strong, and I feel confident in my ability to be independent and have control over my life and the decisions I make. On a bad day, nothing feels real. I find myself saying, "I can't believe this is my life," and "this feels like a complete nightmare." I also find myself not fully aware of reality. This is when I have urges to text or call Steven about odd things. For example, I recently had an urge to call him because I was feeling sad about him not being here with me. I think what frustrates me most is that these thoughts and urges are irrational. I understand why they happen, but it still frustrates me that I let those things happen. I'm not an irrational or illogical person, but this trick of the brain makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. Another negative emotion associated with a bad day is fear. My biggest fear as of late involves my future. I desperately want to feel and touch Steven again. The comfort of a shoulder to lie on and a little kiss while I make supper just isn't there. My fear is that I will become so desperate to feel that again that I'll just jump on any opportunity to make that happen. Terrified is actually a better word to describe that feeling. I've always been afraid of making mistakes, but this one is much bigger. I pray several times each day that God and Steven take care of this for me and help me to make good decisions, but I'm not able to let go of this completely. I guess the root of this is an underlying fear of ruining my life. I don't want to be the one that lost her husband and turned crazy (like in that song 'Cheyenne' by Garth Brooks). I would never intentionally ruin my life, but I fear that my clouded judgement won't allow me to make a good decision. Or, I fear that my clouded judgement will make a bad decision seem like a really good idea. This problem stems from the fact that things aren't happening fast enough for my brain. As I've stated before, my brain is absolutely dying to get back to its 'normal' routine of being a wife. Humans hate change. My brain hates that I'm not doing what I was good at. And I don't know how to cope with it, let alone fix it.