I'm grieving as fast as I can!

Ok, I stole the title of this post from a book I saw online while googling grief support. It's not my original idea, but I feel like its something I would have come up with. And how true it is. In my brain's never-ending struggle to get through this 'as fast as I can', I get frustrated. Lately, its been magnified by the fact that I'm sick and droopy. I haven't felt well enough to hop in my Jeep and change scenery when I feel restless. I haven't felt well enough to go chill at my house, water my flowers, or visit with a few friends. I've been stuck even more so with this stupid head cold.

I've posted a lot about the brain, but this is how I understand things. My brain is uncomfortable, to put it lightly. It hates all of these negative stimuli, so its trying to rid of them. And its pissing me off. My brain says, "You don't have a husband now. That doesn't feel right at all! Find another one." My heart says, "What the f*** is your problem? Sure I want my husband back, but not just any husband. That's not the way the world works, brain. You're wrong." The brain fights back, "But this is what you know how to do. You know how to be a wife, and you're damn good at it. Find that husband!" My heart yells back, "I'M GRIEVING AS FAST AS I CAN!" My brain is in true survival mode as it tries to get me back to the awesome cooking, cleaning, and loving wife I once was. Thanks brain, but you're not helping.

My heart knows how big my love is for Steven. I struggle daily with the fact that there will eventually be someone else to fill that role. They will not be a replacement for the love I have for Steven, but there will be someone who fills the role of husband in my life. Its certainly not going to be soon, but I just feel that this is the truth. Steven would want that for me. He so enjoyed taking care of me and providing for me. I have faith that he will send me someone to fill that role again. However, my heart is conflicted with this one (shocker...). He set the bar really high. He knew that too. I told him several times that I'd rather fight with him than flirt with anyone else. So many things I love about Steven were so unique to his character that I find it hard to believe that I could see that again in someone else. Only Steven knows my taste (although he always claimed I had poor taste marrying him). So, I've been praying that at the right time in my life he will send me someone who can fill that role for me and pick up where he left off. Someone with which I can share the greatest parts about me. That's not right now, but its going to happen at some point. I also know that when it does happen, it will be too soon for some people and not soon enough for others. To those people, I say 'screw you'.

I've been staying at my parents' house. This has been a huge blessing, and it really works out well. Someone is always here, and Cheyenne doesn't have to stay by herself all day. Lord knows she loves that attention. The only thing wrong with this is the fact that I'm not home. I want so badly to be back home, but I think this is one of my brain's tricks. My brain wants me to be back home, because that's where I was the best version of myself. There, I was that wife who cooked, cleaned, and did laundry. I'm being very cautious about moving back home, because I know that this is just a brain trick to get me to be back in that wife role I was so good at. Again, nice try brain but I'm not falling for that just yet.